It's like asking someone who got in a car accident to drive that route to work," Brooke said. “I'd have to see that place, the cafeteria, and I'd walk by it every single day. The school building itself was traumatic for her, as she’d remember where she was in school when she learned her friend had died. She missed a lot of school and when she went to class, she’d just cry. That was a really hard environment to be.” But for me, it was months of pain and just months of not being able to barely get out of bed, and everyone else seemed fine. And maybe a few kids were sad for a week. “The world kept turning and everyone else kept on going on with their lives. “I wasn't ready to move on and I wasn't ready to move on for months and months," Brooke said. That took Brooke a long time, and her grieving made her feel out of synch with everyone around her. Many survivors come to accept there are some situations you cannot prevent. Gradually, though, people who lose someone to suicide may come to understand that the person was battling a psychiatric illness, using a substance or experiencing a moment of impulsivity when they died. It takes a tremendously long time to rebuild the glass,” he said. We don't like to not have control of things. Survivors often blame themselves, Knippenberg said. You could have gone over to their house and made sure they were OK.” "You could have sent one more text, you could have reached out one more time. “You suffer through a lot of guilt and a lot of regret regarding your relationship with that person because you feel like there's always something you could have done more to help," she continued. “But with suicide, you grieve for the person because you miss them, and you grieve for the fact that they were in so much pain and that no one could help them,” Brooke said. When someone dies from cancer or old age, you grieve because you miss them. Then there’s the guilt piece which makes suicide distinct. “And so the thought of letting myself sit down, think about how miserable I was terrified me.” “I didn't know what I was capable of,” Brooke said. She didn’t know who was going to die next. At the time, for her and many of her friends struggling with their own mental health, the thought of being alone with what’s in your head is scary. I didn't want to bring children into this world.” So it's easier just to not open up and to cut it all off and be by myself. “I just want to be myself because I thought everyone leaves in my life,” she said. She vowed she would never marry or have kids. "Well, it doesn't with this.”Ī friend’s suicide can also evoke anger and challenge one’s theological beliefs, as it did with Brooke.īrooke felt she didn’t have control over anything, even herself. that life's going to turn out a certain way,'" Knippenberg said. “‘Well, if you kids just do these certain things, you know, you work hard, you get some good grades, you participate in extracurriculars. He said it can undermine teens’ belief in the messages from parents about how making good choices leads to good outcomes. I thought that she could count on me or he would tell me what was going on.’ Or, ‘Why would God let this happen?’” It brings up so many questions about, ‘Well, wait a minute. “It's so painful for those who survive it. “With a death by suicide, it’s like dropping the whole window,” Knippenberg said. "'Who am I, who am I going to be, what pieces of my past that I’m going to keep or reject,' challenging some of the stuff you heard from your parents, and separating from those pieces of glass,” Knippenberg said.Īt the same time, there is a fierce evolutionary drive in teens to bond with peers, helping you construct your identity. Your first rejection blows a hole in the stained glass - but you learn to rebuild and make new friends. By elementary school, you start putting in you. Teachers, religious leaders, other relatives and your first friends give you feedback, too. The first pieces come from your parents or caretakers telling you who you are as a person. He compares a person’s development to a stained glass window. That's partly because of the way the adolescent brain is wired, said Craig Knippenberg, a licensed social worker and author of " Wired and Connected." Knippenberg has provided therapy and support after a number of adolescent suicides and other tragedies in the Denver metro area for decades. For teens, a friend’s suicide can cause an existential crisis.
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